Billy the Boatman

Billy Cotton was a boatman
He could sail'em, he could float'em
Haul any cargo where it's goin'
From the mountains down to the sea

But, see, Billy was a gambler
Ran some debts up with a wrangler
Said, 'Bill, I'll stretch you for a dangler
Unless you do a job for me'

Take my cows down to the bottom
Of the river, down in Portland
Get a good price at the auction
And I'll forgive your debt to me

Sir, I'll take them... down to the bottom
All the way down to the bottom
You can rely on Billy Cotton
Cause down's the way he likes to be

Well, Billy Cotton set off quickly
Fed the cows, then drank his whiskey
It made his fists a little frisky
A one man floating fighting spree

He drank the bottle... down to the bottom
All the way down to the bottom
You can rely on Billy Cotton
Cause down's the way he likes to be

At the falls the Master stopped him
Said, Billy, we heard you comin'
Can't pass you through the locks to Portland
Unless you swear sobriety

Sir, I swear it... down to the bottom
All the way down to the bottom
You can rely on Billy Cotton
Cause down's the way he likes to be

Billy docked and brought the cows in
But he never did find the auction
Drank and fought, and did some gamblin'
No time at all, he lost all three

Into his boat they bagged him
Tossed Billy, but not the cows in 
Hired a tug boat just to drag him
Down the river to the sea

And they towed him... down to the bottom
All the way down to the bottom
You can rely on Billy Cotton
Cause down's the way he likes to be

Billy woke and heard the ocean
Felt a sick, unpleasant motion
Hit the bar, and it was a wet one
Pulled his boat under the sea

And his boat sank... down to the bottom
All the way down to the bottom
You can rely on Billy Cotton
Cause down's the way he likes to be

That was the end of Billy Cotton
And sadly, Billy had been rotten
His destiny looked like a hot one
As he stood before eternity

And they cast him... down to the bottom
All the way down to the bottom
You can rely on Billy Cotton
Cause down's the way he likes to be

Billy's soul crashed near a river
It was so hot, it made him shiver
Saw a boat, then saw it's skipper
Old Nick steerin' the Styx ferry

Bill, I've heard that you're a boatman
The souls here aren't so good at floatin'
I need someone to fetch and row'em
Some harpy set the last guy free

Red, I'll row them... down to the bottom
All the way down to the bottom
You can rely on Billy Cotton
Cause down's the way he likes to be

So, if you're dead, and you've been rotten
Give my regards to Billy Cotton
Boat costs a coin, be sure you've got one
Because the service isn't free

And he'll take us... down to the bottom
All the way down to the bottom
You can rely on Billy Cotton
Cause down's the way he likes to be!


[No relation, connection, or comparison intended to beloved 20th century British musician and entertainer Billy Cotton.  That was just the name the tune chose, and I had no idea there was a well-known Billy Cotton until later (Also, my apologies to any of the 'unknown' Billy Cottons).  This sad and fictitious tale would have taken place well before that better Billy was born.]